Enjoy our collection of humorous church stories, short funny writings,
amusing children's sayings, church humor,
funny bulletin bloopers, and amusing religious stories.
Funny And Amusing
Short Church Stories
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WRONG MESSAGE
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact E-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: 'Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.'
THE OBSCENE CLONE
A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top. While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. 'Under arrest?? What's the charge'? 'Making an obscene clone fall'.
BRAN MUFFINS
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.'Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course thatthe home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'what are the green fees?'. Peter's reply, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. 'How much to eat?' asked the old man.'Don't you understand yet?This is heaven, it is free!' Peter replied with some exasperation.'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.' With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'
POSTAL SURCHARGE
A little boy was upset with his parents' financial situation, so he decided to write God a letter.Dear God, My mommy and daddy need $500 for bills and I don't know who else to ask. Could You please help? Johnny The letter was received by the local post office and put in the 'dead' letters pile. The clerk, being curious of the letter addressed to God, opened to see what it said. As you can imagine,he was touched by the letter and decided to help. He asked all his fellow workers to 'chip-in' a few dollars to help a family in need. When all the money was collected, it came to $300. The clerk sent a money order in an official Post Office envelope with the return address simply, God. Several weeks later the same clerk found another letter addressed to God in the same writing. The letter said, Dear God,Thank you for the $300, but next time don't use the Post Office,they have a $200 service charge. Johnny
CELEBRATE?
A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however,that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.The head monk said, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong. 'The word is 'celebrate,' not 'celibate'. 'sobed the head monk.
MEMORIES
The minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today,in church,I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.'Whatever single word I say,I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out,'Cross,'Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,'The Old Rugged Cross.' The pastor hollered out 'Grace.' The congregation began to sing 'Amazing Grace,how sweet the sound.' The pastor said 'Power.' The congregation sang 'There is Power in the Blood' The Pastor said 'Sex.' The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden,way from in the back of the church,a little old eighty seven year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'Precious Memories.'
SMART KIDS
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, 'After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked.'********* A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'
'Yes,sweatheart' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'
'Oh,' she paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?'
'Yes, indeed, honey,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.' Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 'God's getting better at it, isn't he?
TASTES LIKE CHICKEN
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, 'You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just can't seem to get them tender.'The second cannibal asks, 'What kind of Missionary do you use?' The other replied, 'You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.' 'Ah, ah!' the second cannibal replies. 'No wonder you're having problems cooking them......those are friars!'
VIP
The Pope just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbs in the back of the limo and the pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds onto Hwy. 95, and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 mph, and suddenly he sees the blue light of the State Patrol in his mirror. He pulled over and the trooper came to his window. The trooper, seeing who it was, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how to handle it. 'Is it the Governor?' replied the chief. 'No! This guy is even more important!' replies the trooper. 'Is it the PRESIDENT?' replied the chief. 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper. 'Well WHO THE HECK is it!?' screams the chief. 'I don't know, Sir,' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Bobby looked up and replied, 'Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned'.********** A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
SHORT N SWEET
A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, 'Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?'************ A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. 'How do you know what to say?' he asked. 'Why, God tells me.' 'Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?' *************************** A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, 'Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.'
MORE SHORT N SWEET
A Sunday school teacher was speaking to a group of four-year-olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the lesson the kids were to draw a picture depicting their favorite part of the story. The teacher shared the pictures the children drew with the entire class. She got pictures of the Baby Jesus in the manger with animals, she got pictures of the three wise men and the like. Then she got to a picture from little Jimmy, a picture of an airplane with four people on it. She called Jimmy up to explain his picture. She told Jimmy that she could see Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, obviously in their 'flight' to Egypt. She didn't understand why there was another man on the plane. Jimmy quickly explained, 'That's Pontius, the pilot.'************************* An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'
KIDS COMMENTS
A little boy had gone to church with his mother. They were standing in the foyer of the church when the little boy looked up. On the wall was a plaque commemorating those who had died in the military.The little boy said, 'What's that, mommy?' His mother replied, 'That's a commemorative plaque honoring those who died in the service.'The little boy said, 'Which one, mommy, morning, or evening?'******** A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone. 'It's the minister, Mommy,' the child said to her mother. Then she responded back to the minister, 'Mommy can't talk on the phone right now, she's hitting the bottle.'
VISITING PASTOR
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote 'Revelation 3 verse 20' on the back and stuck it in the door.When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3 verse 10.' Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3 verse 20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3 verse 10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
GRIN N 'BEAR' IT
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, 'I was being the Ring Bear.'
HEAVENLY SHORTS
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. 'What Denomination?' Asked the clerk. 'Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?' said the woman. 'Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.'******** On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, 'Well, I guess we won't have a service today.' The farmer replied: 'Pastor, even if only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.' ************************* I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. 'Mommy, what happened to him?' the little boy asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, 'And God threw him back down?'
THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL
The boy listened closely as the rabbi read the Bible. 'May I ask a question?' he asked. 'Sure. Go ahead. Ask your question,' replied the rabbi. 'Well, the Bible says that the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea-the children of Israel built the temple-the children of Israel did this and the children of Israel did that. Didn't the grown-ups ever do anything?'
MY BROTHER-IN-LAW
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,' The patient replies, 'That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
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