Enjoy our collection of humorous church stories, short funny writings,
amusing children's sayings, church humor,
funny bulletin bloopers, and amusing religious stories.
Humorous Church Stories And
Short Funny Religious Writings
Page 1
ADAM'S RIB
In Sunday School,they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week,his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,and said,'Johnny what is the matter?'Little Johnny responded,'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
TWO LITTLE BOY'S
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, 'We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!' The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,'Where is God?' The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, 'WHERE IS GOD?' At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened. The younger brother replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.'
SHORT N SWEET
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages. 'Momma, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: 'I think it's Adam's suit!'************ Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together during church services. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough. 'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.' 'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.'
BIBLE TRIVIA
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?A.Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun.
THEOLOGY AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN
The first book of the Bible is Guinessis, in which Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.
The 7th commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'
Joshua let the Hebrew in the battle of Geritol.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 13 decibels.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.A Godly person should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
ACTS 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, 'Stop -Acts 2:38!' (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an AXE and two 38's!'
GETTING INTO HEAVEN
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.St. Peter explains that it's not easy to get into heaven.There are some criteria that must be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man a church-goer or religious? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous, giving money to the poor or to charities? No? St. Peter told him that that, too, was bad. Did he do any good deeds, such as helping his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated,the Saint says,'Look, everybody does something nice sometime.Work with me, here! I'm trying to help. Now think!' The man thinks for a minute, then says,'Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen Hell's Angels had taken her purse and were shoving her around. I threw my bags down and got her purse back, then I told the biggest biker there that he was cowardly and I spat in his face.' 'Wow,' said St. Peter,'That's impressive! When did this happen?' 'Oh, about 15 minutes ago,' replied the man.
DOMINATED MEN
God looks over the millions of people and says 'Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women.'There's much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man. God gets angry and says, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!' He turns to the man and says, 'Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?' The man says, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'
GOD WILL PROVIDE
A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents.After dinner,her mother told her father to find out about the young man.The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk. 'So what are your plans?' the father asked the young man. 'I am a biblical scholar,' he replied. 'A Biblical scholar.Hmmm,' the father said. 'Admirable,but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?' 'I will study,' the young man replied, 'and God will provide for us.' 'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,such as she deserves?' asked the father. 'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replied,'God will provide for us.' 'And children?' asked the father. 'How will you support children?' 'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replied the fiance. The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, 'How did it go, Honey?' The father answered, 'He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!'
EPITAPH (In a cemetery in England)
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
***********************
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More funny church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and humorous religious sayings follow below.
A CAT GOES TO HEAVEN
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,'you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours,all you have to do is ask.' The cat says,'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.A few days later,6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said,'All our lives we've had to run. Cats,dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later,God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says,'Oh,I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
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