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Humorous Church Stories And Short Funny Religious Writings
Enjoy my collection of humorous church stories, short funny writings, amusing children's sayings, church humor, funny bulletin bloopers, and amusing religious stories. If you have come directly to this page please visit our home page,
The St. Louis Inspirational Christian Connection, for more inspiring material.
In Sunday School,they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week,his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,and said,'Johnny what is the matter?'Little Johnny responded,'I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
TWO LITTLE BOYS
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved.
The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they should send the boys to speak with the clergyman.
The husband said, 'We might as well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!' The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly,'Where is God?'
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, 'WHERE IS GOD?'
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked what had happened. The younger brother replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it.'
SHORT N SWEET
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.
'Momma, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?' his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: 'I think it's Adam's suit!'
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together during church services. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.
'You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.'
'Why? Who's going to stop me?' Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, 'See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its
throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
More funny church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and humorous religious sayings follow below this important message.
Who is Jesus Christ?
Why Do I Need Him?
What Did Jesus Ever Do For Me?
Can He Make A Difference In My Life?
Click here for the answers.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
SMARTEST PEOPLE IN THE WORLD
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a
Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly,
the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best
efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally,
the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that
they had better jump, and then he bailed out.
Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives,
so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the
smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also
grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've
lived a long and full life. You are young and have your
whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and
said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world'
just took off with my back pack."
A CORRECT ASSUMPTION
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten The red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a hold ing cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."
THEOLOGY AS EXPLAINED BY CHILDREN
The first book of the Bible is Guinessis, in which Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Unleavened bread is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went to the top of Mt. Cyanide to get the 10 commandments.
The 7th commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'
Joshua let the Hebrew in the battle of Geritol.
David fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 13 decibels.
The Epistles were the wives of the Apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Godly person should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
GO TO CHURCH WILLIAM
On a sunny morning, William's mother came into her son's room and said, "William, it's Sunday. Time to get up! Time
to get up and go to church! Get up!"
From under the covers came mumbles, "I don't want to go!"
"What do you mean?" she said. "That's silly! Now get up and get dressed and go to church!"
"No!" he shot back. "I'll give you two reasons. I don't like them and they don't like me!"
"Nonsense," she told him. "I'll give YOU two reasons to go. First, you are 42 years old, and second, you are the
CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge--Up Yours"
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
More funny church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and humorous religious sayings follow below this important message.
Should Christians Celebrate Christmas? This is an important question that few Christians ever ask themselves. Most of us celebrate Christmas just because it's what we were taught and have done since childhood. But is Christmas a Biblically based Christian Holiday? Where did all the customs and traditions really come from? Why do we celebrate Christmas today?
Click Here To Learn More
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, 'Stop -Acts 2:38!' (..turn from your sin...). The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All she did was yell a scripture to you.' 'Scripture?' replied the burglar, 'She said she had an AXE and two 38's!'
EPITAPH (In a cemetery in England)
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I,
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.
God looks over the millions of people and says 'Welcome to Heaven. I want the women to go with Saint Peter, and the men to form two lines. Make one line of the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other of men who were dominated by their women.'
There's much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated is 100 miles long. The line of men that dominated women has only one man.
God gets angry and says, 'You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!'
He turns to the man and says, 'Tell them, my son. How did you manage to be the only one on that line?'
The man says, 'I don't know, my wife told me to stand here.'
GOD WILL PROVIDE
A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents.After dinner,her mother told her father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk.
'So what are your plans?' the father asked the young man.
'I am a biblical scholar,' he replied.
'A Biblical scholar.Hmmm,' the father said. 'Admirable,but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?'
'I will study,' the young man replied, 'and God will provide for us.'
'And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring,such as she deserves?' asked the father.
'I will concentrate on my studies,' the young man replied,'God will provide for us.'
'And children?' asked the father. 'How will you support children?'
'Don't worry, sir, God will provide,' replied the fiance.
The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, 'How did it go, Honey?'
The father answered, 'He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!'
Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his
outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's
neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were
forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was
causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they
finally talked to their priest.
The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.
The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were
born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are
Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night
arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled
the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the
As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary
and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in
There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water,
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while
chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but
now you are a catfish."
A CAT GOES TO HEAVEN
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says,'you have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours,all you have to do is ask.' The cat says,'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later,6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said,'All our lives we've had to run. Cats,dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates,we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says,'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later,God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says,'Oh,I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
GETTING INTO HEAVEN
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.St. Peter explains that it's not easy to get into heaven.
There are some criteria that must be met before entry is allowed. For example, was the man a church-goer or religious? No?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous, giving money to the poor or to charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that, too, was bad.
Did he do any good deeds, such as helping his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated,the Saint says,'Look, everybody does something nice sometime.Work with me, here! I'm trying to help. Now think!'
The man thinks for a minute, then says,'Well, I did help this old lady once. I came out of a store and saw that a dozen Hell's Angels had taken her purse and were shoving her around. I threw my bags down and got her purse back, then I told the biggest biker there that he was cowardly and I spat in his face.'
'Wow,' said St. Peter,'That's impressive! When did this happen?'
'Oh, about 15 minutes ago,' replied the man.
THE WISDOM OF CHILDREN
You can't fool the kids in Sunday school, they are way too smart...
'If I sold my house and my car,had a big garage sale,and gave all my money to the church,would I get into heaven?'I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
'NO!' all the children answered.
'If I cleaned the church every day,mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy,would I get into heaven?'
Again the answer was,'NO!'
'Well,'I continued,'then how can I get to heaven?'
A five-year-old boy shouted,'You gotta be dead!'
SHORT N SWEET
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan, you be Jesus.'
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore,where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked 'He died and went to Heaven,' the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.' 'Well, thank you,' the pastor replied, 'but why?' 'Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'
The guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.'
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.'
St Peter consults his list.
He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'
'Just a minute,' says the minister. 'That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?'
'Up here, we work by results,' says Saint Peter. 'While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.'
GIVE ME A BREAK
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, 'Oh, my God! Help me!'
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, 'I thought you didn't believe in Me!'
Come on God, give me a break!!' the man pleaded. 'Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!'
More humorous church stories, amusing bulletin bloopers,
and funny religious writings follow below.
There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, who was very interested in making a pound where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.
Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.
Well,Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, 'Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?' And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, 'Repaint you thinner, And go and thin no more!'
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to
'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.
The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for
the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor
looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life,
and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and
whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming
truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet
their maker, because of the grief they have experienced,
He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what
their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His
fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears
this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap
of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be
gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last
guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten
people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing
his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his
wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em all ugly again."
And, lo, it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, 'Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?'
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bagsshort of a camel load, but simply said,'How, dear?' And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, 'There will be a lot of banging in the land.'
And Abraham replied, 'It is my most fervent wish that this be so.' And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.
And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.' And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, 'eBay,' he said, 'We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.' And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'
'Whoopee!' said Abraham.
'No, YAHOO!' said Dot Com.
CHURCH FOOTBALL PHRASES
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases.
BLITZ-The strategic play that takes place two seconds after closing prayer as everyone rushes for their favorite restaurant.
BLOCKING-Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
COACH-The children's Christmas program director.
ASSISTANT COACH-Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.
DRAFT CHOICE-The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY-What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
END ZONE-The pews.
EXTRA POINT-What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER-What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER-The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HAIL MARY-Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.
HALFTIME-The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
HOLDING-Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL CONTACT-What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.
ILLEGAL MOTION-Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE-Talking during the organ prelude.
OFFSIDES-When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room.
PASS INTERFERENCE-A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK-How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
RED DOG-Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who own their own private pew.
SUDDEN DEATH-The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.
TACKLE-What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the thirty five-and-over singles enrichment retreat.
TIMEOUT-Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT-Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.
BENCHWARMER - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.
BACKFIELD-IN-MOTION - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
STAYING IN THE POCKET - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
INSTANT REPLAY - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
TRAP - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
END RUN - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
FLEX DEFENSE - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
HALFBACK OPTION - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN
A little child in church watched as the ushers passed the offering plate. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. 'Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five.'
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 'I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.' 'That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?' 'Well,' said the little boy, 'I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than to sit and listen.'
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service. 'And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.'
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. 'And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail'.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. 'How are you feeling Mary?' the visitor asked. 'Oh,' said the lady, 'I'm just worried sick!' 'What are you worried about, dear?' her friend asked. 'You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?' 'Yes, they are taking very good care of me.' 'Are you in any pain?' she asked. 'No, I have never had a pain in my life.' 'Well, what are you worried about?' her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. 'Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went.'
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THEY DIED IN THE SERVICE
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of
the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the
plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood
beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly,
"Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together
staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he
asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 10:30 AM or the 6:30 PM?"
LET IT WALK
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back" churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!" "Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!" the congregation shouts.
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost money!"
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."
I AIN'T AFRAID
One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny
town got up early and went to the local church. Before the
services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews
and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front
entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he
walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why
aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for
over 48 years."
An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he
told the class that he was going to prove that there was no
He said, "God if you are real, then I want you to knock
me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I
am God, I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes as a big 240-pound Christian Marine happened to
walk by the door on his way to a school recruiting meeting. He stopped and listened to what the professor said.
The Marine walked into the classroom and in the last
minute, hit the professor full force, sending him flying off
The professor got up, obviously shaken, and said, "Where did
you come from, and why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me!"
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people with baskets to collect all the money!'
THE OBSCENE CLONE
A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.
Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.
While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. 'Under arrest?? What's the charge'?
'Making an obscene clone fall'.
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.
As they 'oohed and aahed' the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'It's free,' Peter replied, 'this is Heaven.'Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course thatthe home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, 'what are the green fees?'. Peter's reply, 'This is heaven, you play for free.' Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out.
'How much to eat?' asked the old man.'Don't you understand yet?This is heaven, it is free!' Peter replied with some exasperation.'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?' the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, 'That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.'
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, 'This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!'
A little boy was upset with his parents' financial situation, so he decided to write God a letter.
My mommy and daddy need $500 for bills and I don't know who else to ask. Could You please help?
The letter was received by the local post office and put in the 'dead' letters pile. The clerk, being curious of the letter addressed to God, opened to see what it said. As you can imagine,he was touched by the letter and decided to help. He asked all his fellow workers to 'chip-in' a few dollars to help a family in need. When all the money was collected, it came to $300. The clerk sent a money order in an official Post Office envelope with the return address simply, God.
Several weeks later the same clerk found another letter addressed to God in the same writing. The letter said,
Dear God,Thank you for the $300, but next time don't use the Post Office,they have a $200 service charge.
The minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said 'Today,in church,I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.'
Whatever single word I say,I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind. The pastor shouted out,'Cross,'Immediately the congregation started singing in unison,'The Old Rugged Cross.'
The pastor hollered out 'Grace.' The congregation began to sing 'Amazing Grace,how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'Power.' The congregation sang 'There is Power in the Blood'
The Pastor said 'Sex.' The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden,way from in the back of the church,a little old eighty seven year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'Precious Memories.'
Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, 'After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked.'
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, 'Grandpa, did God make you?'
'Yes,sweatheart' he answered, 'God made me a long time ago.'
'Oh,' she paused, 'Grandpa, did God make me too?'
'Yes, indeed, honey,' he said, 'God made you just a little while ago.' Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, 'God's getting better at it, isn't he?
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, 'Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that.' Bobby looked up and replied, 'Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned'.
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
SHORT N SWEET
A Sunday school teacher was speaking to a group of four-year-olds about Jesus, Joseph and Mary. After the lesson the kids were to draw a picture depicting their favorite part of the story. The teacher shared the pictures the children drew with the entire class. She got pictures of the Baby Jesus in the manger with animals, she got pictures of the three wise men and the like. Then she got to a picture from little Jimmy, a picture of an airplane with four people on it. She called Jimmy up to explain his picture. She told Jimmy that she could see Mary, Joseph and the Baby Jesus, obviously in their 'flight' to Egypt. She didn't understand why there was another man on the plane. Jimmy quickly explained, 'That's Pontius, the pilot.'
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had
read Mark 17. Several hands went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I
will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball
fans in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl
discussed baseball history in the winter and they pored over
every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a
year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to
come back and tell the other if there was baseball in
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after
watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died
happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound
of Bob's voice from beyond.
"Bob, is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it's me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is
there baseball in heaven?"
"Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you.
Which do you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote 'Revelation 3 verse 20' on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3 verse 10.'
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3 verse 20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.'
Genesis 3 verse 10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'
GRIN N 'BEAR' IT
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, 'I was being the Ring Bear.'
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. 'What Denomination?' Asked the clerk. 'Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?' said the woman. 'Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones.'
On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, 'Well, I guess we won't have a service today.' The farmer replied: 'Pastor, even if only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.'
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. 'Mommy, what happened to him?' the little boy asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, 'And God threw him back down?'
A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy," Daddy. It stands for "Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth."
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL
The boy listened closely as the rabbi read the Bible. 'May I ask a question?' he asked. 'Sure. Go ahead. Ask your question,' replied the rabbi. 'Well, the Bible says that the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea-the children of Israel built the temple-the children of Israel did this and the children of Israel did that. Didn't the grown-ups ever do anything?'
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, 'No money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. 'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,' The patient replies, 'That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law.'
TWO PRIESTS ON VACATION
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"
A paramedic was asked on a local TV talk-show program:
"What was your most unusual and challenging 911 call?"
"Recently we got a call from that big white church at 11th
and Walnut," the paramedic said. "A frantic usher was very
concerned that during the sermon an elderly man passed out
in a pew and appeared to be dead. The usher could find no
pulse and there was no noticeable breathing."
"What was so unusual and demanding about this particular
call?" the interviewer asked.
"Well," the paramedic said, "we carried out four guys
before we found the one who was dead."
I CAN'T RISK IT
A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to
the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for
$5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have
her buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2,000 years ago, was
buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance."
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very
frustrated and he began his sermon, "All members of this
parish are going to hell if they don't change their ways."
One man in the back began to laugh.
So the pastor said it again louder.
The man continued to laugh.
The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was
He answered, "Because I don't belong to this church!"
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out
making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran
out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some
gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned
had been lent out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided
not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for
something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched
from across the street. One of the them turned to the other
and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
Wanda, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Wanda's house... and left it there all night!
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed,she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"
JESUS IS WATCHING YOU
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his
flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked
up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied
voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off
and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook
his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big
score, then clicked the light back on and began searching
for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he
could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus
is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around
frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally,
in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest
on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying
to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people
would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who
would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
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