Page two of a collection of amusing church writings, humorous church stories,
bulletin bloopers, funny children's comments, one liner's,
and other religious humor.

Christian Church Humor And
Amusing Religious Writing

Page 2

'If I sold my house and my car,had a big garage sale,and gave all my money to the church,would I get into heaven?'I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

'NO!' all the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day,mowed the yard,and kept everything neat and tidy,would I get into heaven?'

Again the answer was,'NO!'

'Well,'I continued,'then how can I get to heaven?'

A five-year-old boy shouted,'You gotta be dead!'

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A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore,where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked 'He died and went to Heaven,' the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'

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After the church service a little boy told the pastor, 'When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money.' 'Well, thank you,' the pastor replied, 'but why?' 'Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had.'

Saint Peter addresses this guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.'

St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years.'

St Peter consults his list.

He says to the minister, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.'

'Just a minute,' says the minister. 'That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?'

'Up here, we work by results,' says Saint Peter. 'While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.'

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, 'Oh, my God! Help me!'

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, 'I thought you didn't believe in Me!'

Come on God, give me a break!!' the man pleaded. 'Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!'

Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and...yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine.

Well,Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgement from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, 'Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?' And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, 'Repaint you thinner, And go and thin no more!'

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bagsshort of a camel load, but simply said,'How, dear?' And Dot replied, 'I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS).'

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And Dot said, 'There will be a lot of banging in the land.'

And Abraham replied, 'It is my most fervent wish that this be so.' And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And, lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother William's drumsticks.

And Dot did say, 'Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.' And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, 'eBay,' he said, 'We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.' And Dot replied, 'Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.'

'Whoopee!' said Abraham.

'No, YAHOO!' said Dot Com.

BLITZ-The strategic play that takes place two seconds after every benediction.

BLOCKING-Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.

COACH-The children's Christmas program director.

ASSISTANT COACH-Every mother who has a kid in the children's Christmas program.

COMMERCIAL-Announcements.

DRAFT CHOICE-The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.

DRAW PLAY-What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.

END ZONE-The pews.

EXTRA POINT-What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.

FIRST QUARTER-What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.

FOURTH QUARTER-The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.

HAIL MARY-Desperate move made by ushers in a last-ditch attempt to get people to put something in the plate.

HALFTIME-Usually during the offertory when at least fourteen people decide they need to use the restroom.

HOLDING-Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.

ILLEGAL CONTACT-What gets some church leaders into trouble and out of the ministry.

ILLEGAL MOTION-Leaving before the benediction.

INTERFERENCE-Talking during the organ prelude.

OFFSIDES-When an orchestra member accidentally walks into the choir room.

PASS INTERFERENCE-A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.

QUARTERBACK SNEAK-How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.

RAIN DELAY-Baptism

RED DOG-Common strategy performed each Sunday by those who own their own private pew.

SUDDEN DEATH-The penalty to the pastor who preaches more than twenty minutes.

TACKLE-What takes place to the only eligible bachelor at the thirty five-and-over singles enrichment retreat.

TIMEOUT-Refreshment time in the Fellowship Hall.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING-The pastor's wife looking at her watch in full view of the Pastor.

UNSPORTSMANLIKE CONDUCT-Usually takes place at a committee meeting to decide on the color of carpet or some other thing.

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After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, 'I've decided to become a minister when I grow up.' 'That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?' 'Well,' said the little boy, 'I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell,than to sit and listen.'

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A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service. 'And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.'

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A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' His son asked, 'What happened to the flea?'

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After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!'

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

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